Butch Thompson Trio, Jan Mara, Jan Meara, Sally Rogers, Claudia Schmidt. Stoney Lonesome,
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Avon Bards Bertha's Kitty Boutique (Fluorocat for Cat Halitosis) Bob's Bank Chatterbox Cafe Fearmonger's Shop Ingqvist, Yalmer Oroflame Firewood Peterson, Pete Powdermilk Biscuits Prairie Home Companion Public Affairs Division Sons of Knute Whippets
Well, it has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota. The little town that time forgot. There was a big celebration there though two weeks ago- the boosters club put on a big party at the Sons of Knute Temple to celebrate the Lake Wobegon Whippets, winning their last game of the season.
That was on Labor Day weekend- we didn't get the score in time to put it on the show, but they beat the Avon Bards by a score of eight to four. And I guess if there was a turning point in that game, it came in the top of the fifth inning when Ronnie out in centerfield, went deep deep for a long fly ball, one of the Bard sluggers had hit out there. Ronnie really put on the steam for it- he went back- he went up against the fence, he went through the fence and he tore out... oh, I think about 100 feet of snow fence out there. The Bards came to tell the umpire about it- Mr Halverson, old Mr. Halverson, he’s retiring at the end of the season- retired now- they said “he knocked down the fence, Mr Halverson” and Mr Halverson says, “well, of course they're not on the bench. They're out in the field, can't you see?”
So it kind of opened up the game in a way. The Bards- really never threatened after that, aside from ohh, I'd say about one 450 foot fly out and I think one Ronnie went way back in the soybeans for. They didn't have much of an attack after that, so they won.
Mr Yalmer Iingquist sort of raised some eyebrows in town here on Wednesday this last week when he walked into the Sidetrack Tap and ordered a whisky- you don't often see that in town- he doesn't hang out. Goes in there about- well, you'd see him in there about as often as you'd see him go down the street in his under shorts, I would guess. Which he last did about two years ago, when his dog ran out the door with the wallet in his mouth. Dalmer’s wallet that is.
Yalmer was down in the dumps because on Monday morning, Virginia had announced that she was going to redo the kitchen, and as long as she was going to redo that, she's going to redo the living room in the dining room too. She said “it's just so dark. It feels like the state penitentiary in here.” Yalmer said, “well, it's been cloudy lately and the days are getting shorter you. Why don't you wait until May and see? See if you don't like it better”, but there is no point in arguing with her because the rule in their house has always been that she took care of the inside and he took care of the outside and they've lived that way for now these many years. Trouble is of course that you have to live on the inside. See what you do on the outside you don't always notice that much. He painted the gutters and the rain spouts and the storm windows here a week ago and she never even noticed.
I mean he could have painted them chartreuse like maybe he should have painted them chartreuse. Maybe she was going to paint that dining room chartreuse. He didn't know. She just got this American Lady Book of Interiors from American Lady Magazine and Yalmer took one quick look at it and clapped it shut.
Well Sir, he came home on Monday night. She had already moved the furniture and started in on the walls. See this announcement of hers “I've been thinking about redoing the kitchen” really wasn't a proposal at all it was kind of a declaration of war in his mind. Which she had delayed until the last moment, so as to gain the advantage of surprise. And by Wednesday, the house was in a complete uproar.
She had started in to paint the living room, Peach and apricot. There's going to be a big, thick white shag carpet on the floor, and a coffee table with glass on it. A lot of Chinese figurines and she threw out his driftwood lamp and she took his favorite old green chair and put it down in the basement where it'll rot in a couple of weeks. Hanging a bunch of organza and tulle curtains.
And it wasn't the money he can afford it, so can she, I mean she was a Putnam after all. Wasn’t the money was the idea of it. Because Yalmer is an older guy, and the more he looks around him the more he sees things that he doesn't like. The bunch of loudmouth smart off kids down town- kids with no discipline kids don't know anything about money. Don't know anything about hard work. Schools aren't doing their job. There's no discipline. Nobody works anymore. Countries falling apart- run by lawyers. It's just a mess, but at least you can go home and sit down in your chair and put your feet up. Light a cigar. Read a magazine. Except now I couldn't do it anymore. She might as well hang a velvet rope or across the door of that living room with just like a showroom.
In the kitchen. She was hanging wallpaper in there. Wallpaper with tiger lilies and hummingbirds on it. But she showed him a swatch of on Tuesday and it was like a flashbulb that made an impression on the back of his retina so he saw it whenever he closed his eyes.
He walked into the Sidetrack Tap, he sat down. He ordered a whisky, threw it back He asked for another one. He sat there for a while. He looked at Wally and he said, “Wally. In a few 100 years. Man will be extinct. There'll be just women. You look around, you can see it happening. We'll be all gone, men. Be no more like us.”
Wally said “no” he said “they'll always need men to lift heavy things and replenish the species. Things like that.”
Yalmer, he says “naw... They got machines for the one and I'll betcha they're working on machines for the other. 100 years“ he said ”every kid in America will come out of one big plant to be out in California someplace they'll ship them east. Won’t be any men left, they'll have to have interpretive centers so school kids can go and see what guys were like what they talked about, what they looked like. What they did, they'll dig up our bones and put them in glass cases you wait, you'll see.”
Wally said “it's getting late. It's 5:30 Yalmer.” Yalmer said “yes supper time gotta go I'll see you.”
They didn't see him after that I don't think they'll probably see him for a while.
There was some men in Lake Wobegon who were having a high old time this last week and I'm talking about the Sons of Knute up at the Sons of Knute Temple. They were busy all week down in the basement building duck decoys for duck hunting season, which starts just a little bit, which is such a big deal for all those old guys. They take off for the weekend of the opener, and every weekend thereafter until they get sick. Go out, Go out to the Pete Peterson Memorial Duck Blind and Hunting Lodge out on the east end of the lake, away from town. Sit out there and whoop it up. Have a great old time ever so often when they think of it, take a few shots you know. They do love their duck hunting and they look forward to it.
The Memorial Lodge is the lake home that Pete Peterson, the late Pete Peterson, built for himself and his wife Tina, after he retired from the locker plant tobacco about 20 years ago. He was a duck hunter and he built that lake home right down on the shore with the bedroom looking right out on the slew and a great big window that you could pull a rope and it would drop down so you could take shots right out from there. Because he loved to hunt ducks and he wanted to hunt ducks till the day he died and he intended to die in that bed. And he did with his 12 gauge on his shoulder.
They moved out there in the summer. In that fall on opening day about sunrise, Tina awoke to a blast that came from beside her in the bed. It was Pete crouching on the bed in his PJs. She said “what in the name of Heavenly glory!”
He looked at her. He said “Mergansers”
That was the day he started building the duck blind. It’s down on the shore is almost as nice as the lake home itself. He dug it deep. And he laid concrete and built up concrete walls, putting carpeting down there. He had a little bar in there, he had ruled for a sofa. Sometimes during duck hunting season would stay out there for days at a time, especially when Tina locked him out of the house, he'd stay out there.
‘Cause she always thought it was ridiculous. Him shooting at ducks because he didn't like to eat duck. The only fowl he liked were turkeys and chickens. She said, “why did you hunt chicken?’ She said “be a lot cheaper, we could get, we could get a hen house we'd get about 30-40 leghorns you could go out there bang away at them anytime you wanted to.”
He said “that's silly. That's silly. Chickens don't fly.”
So they’ll all be out there at the Memorial Lodge and Memorial Duck blind on opening day if they can get these decoys out of the basement.
The decoys they're building, The Sons of Knute are building, out of fiberglass. They're about 10 feet long and about 8 feet high. Which they built that size because ducks fly so high that they can't see your regular decoys in the lake, at least they've never- haven't seen the Knute’s decoys for awhile. The few who have come down a little bit were frightened away by the duck calls. So they got these big ones. And a duck at that altitude will look down and it'll look like a regular duck. You got ducks flying overhead. You'll have a duck you look down and say “look, there's a duck down there I can see it clearly. The lake looks a little smaller than last year. In comparison to the duck, I mean, but let's go down have a look.”
That's the idea. So they've been cutting the heads off these ducks so they could get the decoys out of the basement. People kind of been avoiding comment on it. They're sweet old guys. They have a lot of fun doing this. It's a big deal to them.
Clarence Bunson saw one duck they hauled out. He said it looked more like a pigeon, but he didn't say anything about it. Everybody’s keeping a straight face about it. So am I. I'm not a hunter. I never have hunted.
But I've done a lot of crazy things in my day too. That I hope to keep on doing. I hope to keep on doing them. Tina thought it was ridiculous because you could buy meat down at the locker plant, why shoot it?
But the same thing applies to writing in a way. A lot of books in the stores, a lot of literature. Why try and create your own? And as for Pete, not eating duck. I don't know of many writers who like to sit around and read their own stuff. Not many of them.
So I wish him well. Good luck to the Knutes, just remember, those are guns you got out there, not typewriters. Keep em on the safety. We caught you as you go out and we hope to see all of your return. The same number.
That's the news from Lake Wobegon in Minnesota, where all the women are strong and all the men are good looking and all the children are above average.
Reader's Digest has come out with a condensed bible. Clinic for people who spill food. Howard Moore reads a letter from Armageddon Foods about dehydrated water and a poem about road kill cats.
1983-09-17 1987-09-19 1989-09-16
This is a Berto tape. Complete. Audio - Good. It was rebroadcast on September 19, 1987 and September 16, 1989 / 1982.09.12 Star Tribune
Archival contributors: Frank Berto, John Hall