Malcolm Dalglish, Cal Hand, Tom Lieberman, Peter Ostroushko, Becky Reimer Thompson,
[undocumented]
Sidetrack Tap
Well, it has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota this last week. In fact, on Tuesday about noon, Mrs Mueller came out the back door on the stoop to put a garbage away in the pail and it was so quiet, couldn't hear a thing. She had a sudden feeling that Jesus had come and taken everyone away, that it was the 2nd coming and she hadn't got to go on it. There was no sound of traffic. She couldn't hear any voices- she couldn't hear anything from down at the powder milk biscuit plant. She couldn't hear bells or is he was all absolutely still. She thought that the last trumpet had sounded and they had all gone up and left her alone. Until she looked across the aisle and she saw Father Emil coming out the back door directory with his garbage under his arm. She was glad to see him. She called out to him and she said “Is Sister Mary Francis still here?”
Well, he thought that was an odd question. He said “Where was she going then?” Mrs. Miller said to heaven. Sister Mary Francis is a Saint. If anybody got to go on the second coming it would be her. To heaven, she'd be going. Well, Father Emmel said “she's inside now having a soup and sandwich.”
“Oh, I'm so relieved”, said Mrs Mueller. They both put the garbage in the pails.
She said, “Father. How is Mrs. Magandanz these days?”
He said “about the same. About the same, I'm afraid”
She said, “oh.”
Now Mrs Magandanz dance is a person who's given considerable study to the subject of the second coming in Lake Wobegon. She grew up in town, she married Mr Magandanz, they had five children and somewhere between the 4th and the 5th she stayed up all night one night ironing and she had a vision at the ironing board in which she felt sure that an Angel was speaking to her and was telling her that she should go and find the Book of Life in which all the names are recorded who will be going up to heaven. That this book was on Earth and that her name Mrs Magandanz his name was not in it.
She became convinced that the Book of Life, the Book of Eternal Life, was a real book, maybe a paperback. And that it was somewhere not far away, and she became convinced that it was in the Saint Paul Public Library. She got in her car and she came down to the library and she paid regular visits looking through the shelves for a book that would have a lot of names in it, not including hers.
And it didn't take the staff of the Saint Paul Public Library long to figure out that this woman, a rather short stocky woman in a lime green pantsuit was writing her name in books. They told him not to do it. She kept on doing it. Writing a name in the margins, sometimes down at the bottom. She was taking no chances. She wrote her name in Who's Who. She wrote a name in the Saint Paul Telephone directory. In the Minneapolis Telephone directory, which I think is kind of far fetched. But anyway she did.
And finally they had to kick her out. They told her she could never come back to the library ever again. She has still come and sits in the park in Rice Park across from the Saint Paul Public Library- you may have seen her there this last summer, holding a sign saying don't let the library send me to perdition.
And she has a petition there on a little card table where she also rolls bandages, but... she has a petition there she asks people to sign this petition to give people the right to write their names in books in the library and up at the top of the petition it says these books belong to the people. The people have the right to write the names in them. Politicians talk about the people this and the people that as if we were some kind of thing. But we're individuals and we have a right to put our names in these books.
Well people give her kind of a wide berth there where she sits. I know I always have. Walk a half block out of my way to avoid walking by her. She's crazy, of course. Writing your name in library books has nothing to do with getting to heaven from the very best that we know.
But there's always a little bit of truth and craziness. Lake Wobegon’s full of crazy people. A lot of crazy people up there. I don't know why anyone would think that life in a small town was quiet and peaceful and wholesome and good and happy. People in Lake Wobegon are as smart as people anywhere and smart people have problems with craziness. I think of Mr Halverson up there on Friday nights and Saturday nights coming out of the Sidetrack Tap, though that was no excuse coming down the sidewalk and was convinced that giant 30 foot ants were coming around the corner of the street and were coming... following him. And he walked down the street warning people “the ants are coming. And they're back there. The ants big giant ants, 30 foot ants with big eyes and antenna coming down the st... they’re right back there.”
Well, I didn't think they were. But on the other hand, I was young when it was dark. I always did take a look around the corner just a little bit, just in case they might be there. And if I didn't see them down there around the corner, I didn't assume that they necessarily weren't there they might have ducked into an alley or something. I took the short way home.
I still think though that love can overcome all that. All of those fears and all that craziness. Poor Mrs Magandamz. Poor lady. I don't know what to do about her.
As for the problem of the giant ants coming around the corner at us. I think the answer is people swoop in at us. Aunts. Our own ants swoopin at us. Women coming at us with their arms outstretched. Arms outstretched towards us. Grabbing us. Big monsters of affection grabbing us saying “ah you good looking thing. You good looking thing where you been keeping yourself?”
Well, I've been just down the street. I've been here all along, but it's nice to see you. I tell you I didn't dare visit them more than once a day for fear of wearing em out. They was some people. I'll always remember.
And that's the news from Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, where all the women are strong, believe me, very strong and the men are good looking in general and all the children are above average. Lake Wobegon, Minnesota.
1981.12.05 Berkshire Eagle / 1981.12.05 Montana Standard / Audio of the News available as a digital download.